I grew up believing in Christ’s death on the cross for my sins. My parents weren’t Christians but they sent me to a school which inundated me with preaching from the Bible and I loved it. I prayed for salvation in second grade with my favorite teacher but I knew in my heart I had already believed for years. Every week of my life I pleaded with my mom and dad that they also would accept Him, believe in Him, and receive the free gift of eternal life in heaven instead of their inevitable eternity in hell. As an adult I went on to work in the very same Christian school which taught me about Jesus. A couple years later, at a new nanny job, I almost got fired for preaching to and praying with the kids in my care. I went on a short-term mission trip to Sierra Leone to dig a well and share the gospel. I started a ministry to ladies having abortions. Faithfully week after week I showed up to guide these women and their family’s to Christ centered help in hopes that they might receive Christ as their savior. I knew Jesus was the only way to heaven and I knew He would forgive anything... All because I believed He was constantly forgiving me.
You see I was steeped in sin. I needed sin just to get through the day. My eternity was saved through Christ (so I thought) but my life was upheld through sin. The preacher told us if we claim Christ how could we not have read the very book which we based our life on? “Good idea,” I thought, and I read the Bible cover to cover. The preacher would emphasize church attendance... “Good idea,” I thought, and I faithfully showed up. The preacher would give a challenge to pray more. “Good idea,” I thought, and I prayed and prayed until I soon forgot to. “Read this or that devotional every morning,” the preacher would say and so I did until I got too busy. I wanted to live for Christ because I believed He had the best for me and yet I was unwilling to give up my idols for Him.
I lived a lie... A lie I didn’t know I was living. It was all trash. Every moment I believed in God I idolized the world. I never put God first. Everything was me, me, me. I needed my horrendous sins because I was empty. I never saw Gods law as freedom, it was the unattainable drudgery beneath my feet which I had to trample over in order to get to my true gods, my sin. It was a thorn in my side. It was a reminder of all that I wasn’t able to be because sin was my true god. What a discrace I was as I reveled in myself while proclaiming Christ as my savior. All that work I was so proud of was done in rebellion to God. It was the propping up of a dead person. Dead in sin. A dead and lifeless rebel.
I only bring up the ‘good’ works I performed to show how lost and useless I truly was. Everything I did, I did for myself and the selfish desire to save from hell those who I put before God... And no one ever rebuked me! No one ever told me that if I had been born again the fruit of the God who lives inside would never allow this disgrace. If I am an image bearer of God himself, a temple of the Holy Spirit, and a new creature He wouldn’t dare bring this shame to His glory. No one ever told me that to live is to die. To be born again I must lay down my very self for the most unworthy privilege of gaining Christ.
I thought I was saved. I thought I loved God. I wanted the world to know, “Christ is the only way to heaven!” “He loves you!” I proclaimed. “Accept salvation!” I’d plead. All the while He was never enough for me. God had a place in my heart along side all the idols of my world. He shared me with the things and people that I truly needed and used to get through my days. But Christ didn’t want a place in my heart, He wanted me to give up my heart in order that He might give me a new one. Christ was not my ruler. He was never sufficient for me. I longed after the world, I needed it to make me feel whole... a mere place holder for God. I had no idea that I lived a lie. I thought I could try harder and live better with His help in me but I never had His help. I was empty, separated from the Father, relentlessly adding to the shame and pain Jesus bore on the cross with my outlandish sins. I used God for heaven and used the things of this world for my life. I was dead and had no idea that a Holy God doesn’t share. I struggled day after day, year after year to live up to my calling as a perceived child of God all the while certain of my salvation; All the while dead in my sins. I believed Christ died for my sake yet I was unwilling to die to my sins for His sake. I took the part of the gospel that told me, “Christ did all the work and now you’re free,” but I neglected the part of the gospel which required my very life. I didn’t know.
I didn’t know until He came and asked of me my life...
I had spent another year in total rebellion to God. I was exhausted. I was praying and He came. I felt Christ tell me to lay down my sin and walk in obedience to Him. I said, “I can’t. I need........” But Christ spoke so clearly to my heart saying, “I am sufficient for you.” He brought to my mind the moment before he was taken away to die. He was praying and asked His disciples, His friends, to stay awake, to stay alert, and to pray for His sake. But each time He came back, Christ found them asleep. Three times He pleaded for their faithfulness but three times He found them asleep, all just moments before He willingly laid down His life for them. Christ reminded me that just as His Heavenly Father was sufficient for Him, so He is sufficient for me in my hardest struggle. Nothing is a more firm hand to hold than that of Christ Himself. As Christ had His Father when all else failed in some of His darkest moments, so also I had to lay down my hope in the things of this world and put my life in the hands of Christ alone. I’ve never regretted turning from my sin and resting in Him as Lord.
He convicted my heart with truth found in His word, and how very grateful I am that He did. There’s nothing in this world we need if we have Christ, and nothing in this world to desire if God has given us a new heart. And so I laid it all down for the blessed privilege of picking Him up. The truth I now know is that all my sins, my copping idols, were trash in comparison to the joyful treasure of being filled with the Holy Spirit. The difference then and now is the Holy Spirit. Every desire in my flesh is selfish sin leading to death but every desire of the Holy Spirit is righteousness leading to life for His own glory. Before I would seek Him and try to desire what He calls us to do. Now, I couldn’t escape His desires for holiness if I tried. It’s all His supernatural work in me. Through Christ I have what this world can never offer (and I’ve searched). It’s a peace that passes understanding... It’s enduring this world, with joy, for the reward set before me... It’s an eager expectation that one day I will rid myself of this flesh which would dare inflict pain on Christ and shame on my Holy Holy Holy LORD. My hope is complete. I rest secure in the outcome of my repentance and faith through Christ Jesus, who has called me out of darkness and into His light. I am a new creature now and I can’t get enough of Him. He who is finally alive in me draws me to Himself. Nothing is work anymore. To know Him more and more is my very water, food, and breath. I, in myself, am a faithless failure but He in me is life abundant. This is freedom...to know my purpose (the daily, joy-filled, glorification of our Lord) and to have already attained the goal of my faith (my undeserved home in heaven as I praise Him forever).
Holy God you are more than sufficient. All blessing and honor and glory to my Father, my Savior, my King.
“When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Oh my soul, what a burden I am.
And God, why do you long for me?
What a disgrace I will be to heaven.
What shame I carry to your name.
Release this weight of sin from your goodness.
Take your badge of grace off this wretched image.
How disgusted I am to bring dishonor to glory.
Though, as I long to rid your world of my iniquity,
You will nonetheless bring this waist to freedom.
Let me go.
I deserve what I should have payed the price for.
Take your honor and your glory and throw me to the fire.
This blackened stain should have no place as your witteness.
No place should I have to retreat when life finally ends.
Take back what I should never have owned;
Give your gift to those who will do you justice.
Look away and never back.
How could I be yours?
Forgive me not and cast me down to where I deserve.
Be glorified oh my God.
Oh God, I am your abomination.
I want nothing to do with your disgrace.
Leave me and be holy.
Be faithful to all yet faithless to me.
I could never deserve You.
Help me, dear God.
That I would receive your mercy’s.
That I would dwell in the cross.
That I would live in redemption.
That I would rest in your blood.
That your reconciliation would be my strength.
That I might not hide from my Father...
But be seen and free.
Balancing sin in our lives is exhausting... I know this exhaustion well. It says, “A little bit of God and a little bit of me,” as our days get fuller and fuller. So we seek relief. Relief in self. Relief in idols. Relief in sin. And we sink deeper, deeper, deeper. The world tells us things completely contrary to God. It builds you up as you sit alone behind a screen. It says you deserve more, you should have more, and you are more. Soon, in our attempt at freedom from work, rules, and oppositional people we become bound even more than we were, busier than ever before, and totally unhappy. We become slaves to sin again. Longing for a single moment of relief with any idol we can momentarily fill ourselves up with.
God wants you to have a full life of pleasure, enjoyment, and peace in things that provide you rest not escape, freedom not enslavement. When your happiness comes from escaping God it will only leave you as empty inside as it has left God longing for your affections. There is total fulfillment in Gods creation for the sake of His glory. There is only self-fulfilling pain and harm when we escape His love. Delight yourself in everything for God’s good. Anything not being done for God is self-destruction and a sin against Christ our Lord who gave ALL for us. Obedience is freedom. Freedom from the traps and destruction of trying to figure out how to make it through this world using its idols. We are free to joyfully revel in Gods glorious creation. Free to enjoy the pleasures of this world to the fullest extent of their truest design.
And now, to believers, may we never forget the grace painfully, humbly, and loving poured out on us while others still live in their sin with no relief or freedom in heaven to come. The life of righteousness demands complete heart obedience. This doesn’t come with the expectancy of perfection, however, as believers we now live totally indebted to Christ by His death in place of ours. Fitting sin into our new righteousness is in conflict with our very selves. We are a new creation and a temple of the Holy Spirit... a gift which should cause us to fall on our face in reverent gratitude every time we think of it. We are truly without excuse to live a moment of selfishness when we’ve been saved from hell for all of eternity by our Lord who payed the humiliating and painful price for us. Not a moment of excuse do we deserve yet an eternity of forgiveness, love, and freedom He continues to lavish on us.
“When our worlds are falling apart and we look around us at the strongest creatures that are, we know that we can not put our trust in them. If that is all we had we would be a miserable lot. But we have One, Who has us, Who is nothing like everything we know. “
-The Holiness of God sermon
“Do I live in the world as carelessly as others do, and yet make a profession of being a follower of Jesus? If so, I expose religion to ridicule and lead men to speak evil of the holy name by which I am called. Surely if I act thus inconsistently, I am a Judas (Luke 22: 48), and it were better for me that I “had never been born”(Mark 14: 21). Dare I hope that I am clear in this matter? Then, O Lord, keep me so. O Lord, make me sincere and true. Preserve me from every false way. Never let me betray my Saviour. I do love you, Jesus, and though I often grieve you, yet I desire to abide faithful even unto death.”
-Morning and Evening devotional
“Now in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver but also of wood and clay, some for honorable use, some for dishonorable. Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”
2 Timothy 2:20-22
“You were running well. Who hindered you from obeying the truth? This persuasion is not from him who calls you. A little leaven leavens the whole lump.”
“Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.”
“When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: "Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.”
1 Corinthians 15:54-58
“Do not be deceived: "Bad company ruins good morals." Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame.”
1 Corinthians 15:33-34
“...My heart exults in the Lord; my horn is exalted in the Lord. My mouth derides my enemies, because I rejoice in your salvation. "There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.”
1 Samuel 2:1-2
“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” 1 Corinthians 10:31
“The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.”
“O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me.”
“Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. For, "Yet a little while, and the coming one will come and will not delay; but my righteous one shall live by faith, and if he shrinks back, my soul has no pleasure in him."”
This is Abby. She was born on Sunday but I met her for the first time many months ago. She was much smaller, in her momma’s tummy, and I couldn't see her yet but she was right next to me. I loved her then and I love her now. Her mom and dad loved her too and are so grateful to have her here today. For a moment they thought that life without Abby would be better than life with her...That is the day I met her, Aug 17, 2016, but they know now, as I believe we all know, that God created little Abby as a unique, independent little person. He had perfect plans for her despite her beginnings and she deserved the chance to live out her purpose in this life. She was born on January 15, 2017, a Sunday, the Lords day. Her parents named her Abby which means, "The Fathers Joy". I can't help but believe that our Heavenly Father orchestrated this all in His perfect way. The love of our Father for His children is more than I could ever grasp. It's the same love He has for you. He created us not only because we bring Him joy but because we are His joy as we find ours in Him. Oh how I pray that EVERYONE would know the love you're Father in heaven has for you. The same love He has for beautiful little Abby.
When God says, "Go." Go.
When God says, "Wait." Wait.
Listen. Pray. Read.
What did you do today? Was every moment spent to serve Him? Did you step out in faith and do those tough things He told you to do? Do you trust that His plan is better than yours? Really? Did you fight the good fight or did you get by with good instead of great? Because life is too short and there's too much work to be done. Real love is a verb, so get to work even if you have to stand on your own.
"Getting pregnant right before I started my senior year was definitely not my plan. Having a child with someone I barley new at the time and who I didn't even love was not easy!! But my my plans and God's plans are not the same, as I look back at my life I can see His hand upon mine! The statics were totally against us but together with Gods help we overcame them!! He gave me hope when I had none. He gave me the love I needed to love my partner, the patience when things did not go my way, and when I felt like running He gave me the courage to stay!!
I was a teen parent at 18 and all the statistics were against me. I had no moral support from my family or my baby's father. We even broke up due to my pregnancy but I knew having an abortion was not the answer!!! I could not live my life knowing I did this to my child while everyone else enjoyed there's!! So I sucked it up and had my baby. Yes I missed out on a lot. I'd be lying to you if I said it was easy, heck no, it was one of the hardest times in my life but now twenty years later I have an amazing beautiful young lady I call my daughter!!! And in between those twenty years I found my husband my best friend and it was my baby's father all along! We both had some growing up to do before we'd come back to each other and I know it was God who blessed me with this beautiful relationship. It might have started off wrong but everything was worth it in the end!!! My point is, yes I could've taken the easy way out, had an abortion, and enjoyed my life & my youth but this baby deserved a life just like any other regardless of MY situation!! A child is a blessing period."
“I got pregnant at 19 when I had a heart condition and was in my first year of architecture school. My boyfriend lived on the other side of the world and I felt alone and scared. My parents are ministers and I was so worried about telling them what I'd done and the consequence of that action. I had already been told that my heart might not handle a pregnancy and delivery and I was immediately beyond sick. My morning sickness was so bad, my doctor had to get special permission from my insurance for an expensive medicine to stop me from throwing up. She said if we couldn't get this under control, the baby and I were going to dehydrate or starve to death.
Most days of the first 5 months, I could hardly move. Yet not once was I not prepared to sacrifice my life for my baby's. I just prayed God would save him before He took me. My family eventually knew and were helpful and gracious. But there were other parties involved that demanded I get an abortion saying I could always "try again" for another baby in the future if I wanted. My response was that I could never have THIS baby again and that, though the circumstances were not ideal, life throws you curveballs and you have to find the purpose in them and learn to somehow thrive through the path before you.
My last trimester was also a struggle and I gave birth all the time praying my son would live even if I didn't. And as soon as he was born, my body went into shock and it looked like my fears were being realised. For the first time, I prayed for myself. Asked God to let me live, too, so I could see my baby and be the one to love him throughout his life. I wanted him to have me as much as I wanted to have him. I was spared that day and was later able to hold the love of my life and examine his perfect face, fingers, and toes.
Life as a single mother hasn't been easy. But everything in this world that is worth anything takes effort and sacrifice. My son has been the most worthwhile thing about my life and I'm just grateful that I was given this blessing that I didn't even know I wanted at a time that I didn't realise I needed it. I'm so glad I don't live a life where my son isn't a part of this world. He is bright and funny and compassionate. I have no doubt he will make his mark on the world as he has on my heart. He never felt like a choice, he felt like a gift.
I know the loneliness and the fear involved in an unplanned pregnancy and my hope is that everyone who goes through what I did realises they don't have to be alone. And realises you have real choices beyond to abort or not. I hope you find a helping hand and realise you are beautiful, you are pure, you are worth celebrating, and you are LOVED.”